I'm amazed at how quickly my mood can change.  I was having a great day today.  I was in a great mood.  I had promised myself that I wasn't going to go straight home from work and go to sleep.  I went and saw my new therapist and all was well.  And then, out of no where, I want to rip someone's face off.  No, it wasn't out of nowhere.  Someone snapped at me.  Someone is in a bad fucking mood and decided that I seem like just the right person to take it out on.  So, now, all I want to do is fucking go home.  Really...

I feel like I'm going to cry right now.  And all I can think about is going home and crawling into bed.  Which is exactly what I've done ever fucking day this week.  If I'm asleep, I can't feel it.  I enter a world where my dreams are real and I'm almost never sad.  If I'm asleep, I don't have anxiety attacks.  If I'm asleep, I don't think about everything.  So, after having a wonderful day and telling everyone about how great I'm doing, now everything has just come crashing down on me.  Damn it! 

And, really, I went to this new therapist today and I feel no better about the situation.  I mean, I know that it was my first visit and it's sort of a "getting to know you," "let's get your history" kind of thing.  But, I really don't feel better.  I was in a great mood when I got back.  And I've only been back for like 25 minutes or so and I just want to die.  I'm so sick of this bullshit!  And I'm so sick of being sensitive about EVERYTHING!  And I'm sick of the fact that I, somehow, seem to let everyone else's bitchy ass moods effect me.  I'm so angry right now.  And I'm feeling a bit desperate.  And I really feel like I need to go home, but I don't know how to ask.  How can you say, "Hey, I'm about to have a mental flip out...Can I go home for the rest of the day?"  It just doesn't work like that.

My bosses know about my situation, but I can't just leave work.  But, what if I really start flipping my shit.  I just wish I could freaking scream.  Why can't a good day just stay a good day with me?  Why can't I just be normal?  Why do the smallest things set me off?  Because right now I'm a mixture of pissed, sad, disappointed, and desperate.  And I still feel as lonely today as I did yesterday.  My heart is starting to hurt again.  I need to go home and smoke a bowl.  I'm trying to desperately to stop smoking pot, but it just takes all of this away.  Damn all of this.