So, a lot has happened since my last entry.  First of all, I lost my job.  Two days after Christmas, I went in and they told me to go home.  I spiraled down and I haven't really recouped since.  I'm not as bad as I was the first couple of days, but I know myself well enough to know that I'm not ok.  I have went through a lot of emotions.  I've been angry and scared and confused.  I've even felt motivated (but not for long periods of time).  But, through out all the emotions, one thing stays the same.  The sadness doesn't go away.  And, it's not all about the job.  By the time I got home that day, it was about my entire life.  It was about everything that I had been feeling.  I just feel like nothing ever goes right.  And it doesn't.  I still don't have a new job and that really sucks.  But, I'll live.

The worst part is, I had to go off my meds and stop seeing my doctors.  I just stopped taking them one day.  I felt like there was no point in continuing them when I was going to have to stop taking them eventually anyway.  And I'm afraid because I need to be talking to someone about this who knows about it.  I think I have either been rapid cycling or having a mixed episode, but I'm a little confused about how to tell the difference.  And I need someone who can see that.  Some days, while I'm still really depressed, I make myself believe that I'm going to be able to do anything I want.  And I sit around and build myself down and then, eventually, I just tear myself down.  I haven't been able to get out of bed sometimes.  Which isn't good when you need to be out looking for a job.  I've been trying to go out with my friends, but it's not working.  I just sit around and watch everyone else having a good time and then I just want to go home and get in bed.  I stop talking and I just sit there.  I want to have a good time, it's just really hard right now.

I feel like I've been too irritable.  I don't mean to be, but I can't help it.  I've been getting mad at everyone and it's not them.  They don't know that I've been getting angry, because I don't tell them.  But, I know that it's because my mind is in a really weird place.  I know that, most of them time, they are just trying to help.  They want me to get out of bed because they worry.  But, when I'm in a funk, I just feel like they don't understand.  I don't know.  I really don't.  I'm afraid of where my mind is.  When I first lost my job, no one would leave me alone.  I know that was best.  I was having some severe suicidal thoughts.  I just felt like I wasn't worth it anymore and I just kept thinking how much easier it would be.  I'm a lot better than that now, but every now and then I have fleeting thoughts like that.  I feel like maybe I should.  Maybe it would be better.  I would be able to stop fighting this fight.  With who or what, I don't know.  Maybe my own brain?  And I feel like I wouldn't be such a burden on everyone else.  They tell me time and time again that I'm not a burden.  I have amazing friends and family and I know they love me.  But, I also know that, sometimes, it can't be easy to be my friend.

And, I'm still lonely.  I'm still afraid to talk to anyone that I might be attracted to.  I'm afraid for a lot of different reason.  I have one certain person that I can't get off my mind.  The weird part about this is that, I don't know him.  I mean, literally, I have said all of 10 words to him in my entire life.  I see him a lot, but I just don't know what to say.  The thing that sucks about this is that I can't get him out of my brain.  I really can't.  I think about him all the time, every day.  And that is just strange to me.  I don't understand it.  I think my brain has taken him and made him into what I hope for him to be.  I have all these things I am looking for in a person and I think that I've projected all of those things on to him.  I have friends who know him and they all tell me what a great person he is, but I don't know.  I'll probably never know.  I keep telling myself that I'll talk to him.  That I'll find a way to be around him.  But, it never works out.  I never can get up the nerve.  I might say hi every now and then, but that's it.  No more than that.  Sometimes I don't talk to him at all.  And I wonder if it's really him that I want or just love in general.  I don't know what to do in this situation.  And I wonder if it can ever work out.  I wonder if love can ever work out for me and my unstable brain.  I wonder if anyone can ever understand.  My friends tell me yes.  They tell me that they love me and they know that I'm sick.  They tell me that it's no different.  But, somehow, I feel like it is.  I feel like it's a different spectrum. 

Hopefully, I'll feel better soon.  Hopefully, I'll find a job.  Maybe I'll find a way to get help.  Maybe I won't.  I guess I've lived like this for a long time without medicine and without doctors.  But, I want to be ok.  I really do.