aanamber's Xanga

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 00:55:09 GMT

So, a lot has happened since my last entry. First of all, I lost my job. Two days after Christmas, I went in and they told me to go home. I spiraled down and I haven't really recouped since. I'm not as bad as I was the first couple of days, but I know myself well enough to know that I'm not ok. I have went through a lot of emotions. I've been angry and scared and confused. I've even felt motivated (but not for long periods of time). But, through out all the emotions, one thing stays the same. The sadness doesn't go away. And, it's not all about the job. By the time I got home that day, it was about my entire life. It was about everything that I had been feeling. I just feel like nothing ever goes right. And it doesn't. I still don't have a new job and that really sucks. But, I'll live.

The worst part is, I had to go off my meds and stop seeing my doctors. I just stopped taking them one day. I felt like there was no point in continuing them when I was going to have to stop taking them eventually anyway. And I'm afraid because I need to be talking to someone about this who knows about it. I think I have either been rapid cycling or having a mixed episode, but I'm a little confused about how to tell the difference. And I need someone who can see that. Some days, while I'm still really depressed, I make myself believe that I'm going to be able to do anything I want. And I sit around and build myself down and then, eventually, I just tear myself down. I haven't been able to get out of bed sometimes. Which isn't good when you need to be out looking for a job. I've been trying to go out with my friends, but it's not working. I just sit around and watch everyone else having a good time and then I just want to go home and get in bed. I stop talking and I just sit there. I want to have a good time, it's just really hard right now.

I feel like I've been too irritable. I don't mean to be, but I can't help it. I've been getting mad at everyone and it's not them. They don't know that I've been getting angry, because I don't tell them. But, I know that it's because my mind is in a really weird place. I know that, most of them time, they are just trying to help. They want me to get out of bed because they worry. But, when I'm in a funk, I just feel like they don't understand. I don't know. I really don't. I'm afraid of where my mind is. When I first lost my job, no one would leave me alone. I know that was best. I was having some severe suicidal thoughts. I just felt like I wasn't worth it anymore and I just kept thinking how much easier it would be. I'm a lot better than that now, but every now and then I have fleeting thoughts like that. I feel like maybe I should. Maybe it would be better. I would be able to stop fighting this fight. With who or what, I don't know. Maybe my own brain? And I feel like I wouldn't be such a burden on everyone else. They tell me time and time again that I'm not a burden. I have amazing friends and family and I know they love me. But, I also know that, sometimes, it can't be easy to be my friend.

And, I'm still lonely. I'm still afraid to talk to anyone that I might be attracted to. I'm afraid for a lot of different reason. I have one certain person that I can't get off my mind. The weird part about this is that, I don't know him. I mean, literally, I have said all of 10 words to him in my entire life. I see him a lot, but I just don't know what to say. The thing that sucks about this is that I can't get him out of my brain. I really can't. I think about him all the time, every day. And that is just strange to me. I don't understand it. I think my brain has taken him and made him into what I hope for him to be. I have all these things I am looking for in a person and I think that I've projected all of those things on to him. I have friends who know him and they all tell me what a great person he is, but I don't know. I'll probably never know. I keep telling myself that I'll talk to him. That I'll find a way to be around him. But, it never works out. I never can get up the nerve. I might say hi every now and then, but that's it. No more than that. Sometimes I don't talk to him at all. And I wonder if it's really him that I want or just love in general. I don't know what to do in this situation. And I wonder if it can ever work out. I wonder if love can ever work out for me and my unstable brain. I wonder if anyone can ever understand. My friends tell me yes. They tell me that they love me and they know that I'm sick. They tell me that it's no different. But, somehow, I feel like it is. I feel like it's a different spectrum.

Hopefully, I'll feel better soon. Hopefully, I'll find a job. Maybe I'll find a way to get help. Maybe I won't. I guess I've lived like this for a long time without medicine and without doctors. But, I want to be ok. I really do.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 19:53:58 GMT

Well, I had a crazy weekend. I had to get some teeth work done, so I was out of it for all of Friday and Saturday. Sunday I felt much better and didn't need any pain meds...so, I went Christmas shopping. I hate Christmas shopping. Only because of all the people. It makes me nervous. But, I dealt and I'm all good now.

I guess my moods are evening out a little. I haven't cried since Friday. I had a super duper panic attack yesterday. It was really bad. I almost cried then, but I was at work and I didn't want to open that can of worms. So, today I'm feeling crumby.

I wonder if this disease will make you act somewhat irresponsible. Because that is what I did this morning. I was very irresponsible. And now, I have my self in a situation that I don't know how to get myself out of. And it sucks. And I have so many appointments with this doctor and that doctor that I don't want to get in trouble for missing work. I've only missed 2 1/2 days since I started (because of actual sickness) and one of those times was because my boss made me leave and when I went to the doctor they told me I couldn't go back for the rest of that day or the next. But, I still don't want to get in trouble. But, like I said, what I did today was really irresponsible. It's a long story and, frankly, I don't feel like typing it all out.

Long story short, I slept through a Dr.'s appt. that was really important (I have to get a shot every 3 months and I only have a 2 week window to get it). I thought I would be able to just go in and do it on Friday (our office is closed). So, I slept in a little and came to work. Well, my bosses think I actually went to the Dr. So, I can't say...Oh, by the way, I didn't really get my shot this morning so I'm going to be late again one day next week so that I can go get it for real. You know? So, now I don't know what I'm going to do. I have to go there and get my annual on the 10th, but that's two weeks late. I think they will still give it to me, but they will give me some big, huge lecture about not being late and all. Which always sucks! But, whatever. It's my own fault. I did this. It was my irresponsibility.

Another thing...my sleep pattern has been so messed up! It's really all I do anymore. It's getting a little bit on the ridiculous side. I mean, I come home from work, go to sleep, and then I get up for 2 or 3 hours and then go right back to sleep until the next morning. I mean, it's really, really bad. And I try not to, but I just feel so tired all the time! I don't know what is going on with me. But, I'm trying to snap out of it. As for the mood swings, I've been doing pretty good. I've been feeling a little down and a little angry and a lot lonely...but, what's new right?

Ok, so my mom is a freaking bitch! I swear to goodness, I love her, but sometimes she just drives me crazy. I feel like sometimes she cares too much. Like I just can't get her out of my business and she wants to be all dramatic about what's going on in my life. And if she calls and I don't answer she freaks and starts calling all of my friends just to see where I am. But, then other times, I feel like she doesn't care at all. Like all that is important to her are her pills and bitching about her living situation or her job. Like nothing that is going on with me is important at all. I just want to cry right now.

I'm going to stop typing and I'm going to go into a "private" area here at work so that I can get this over with. Until next time...

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 18:55:42 GMT

I'm amazed at how quickly my mood can change. I was having a great day today. I was in a great mood. I had promised myself that I wasn't going to go straight home from work and go to sleep. I went and saw my new therapist and all was well. And then, out of no where, I want to rip someone's face off. No, it wasn't out of nowhere. Someone snapped at me. Someone is in a bad fucking mood and decided that I seem like just the right person to take it out on. So, now, all I want to do is fucking go home. Really...

I feel like I'm going to cry right now. And all I can think about is going home and crawling into bed. Which is exactly what I've done ever fucking day this week. If I'm asleep, I can't feel it. I enter a world where my dreams are real and I'm almost never sad. If I'm asleep, I don't have anxiety attacks. If I'm asleep, I don't think about everything. So, after having a wonderful day and telling everyone about how great I'm doing, now everything has just come crashing down on me. Damn it!

And, really, I went to this new therapist today and I feel no better about the situation. I mean, I know that it was my first visit and it's sort of a "getting to know you," "let's get your history" kind of thing. But, I really don't feel better. I was in a great mood when I got back. And I've only been back for like 25 minutes or so and I just want to die. I'm so sick of this bullshit! And I'm so sick of being sensitive about EVERYTHING! And I'm sick of the fact that I, somehow, seem to let everyone else's bitchy ass moods effect me. I'm so angry right now. And I'm feeling a bit desperate. And I really feel like I need to go home, but I don't know how to ask. How can you say, "Hey, I'm about to have a mental flip out...Can I go home for the rest of the day?" It just doesn't work like that.

My bosses know about my situation, but I can't just leave work. But, what if I really start flipping my shit. I just wish I could freaking scream. Why can't a good day just stay a good day with me? Why can't I just be normal? Why do the smallest things set me off? Because right now I'm a mixture of pissed, sad, disappointed, and desperate. And I still feel as lonely today as I did yesterday. My heart is starting to hurt again. I need to go home and smoke a bowl. I'm trying to desperately to stop smoking pot, but it just takes all of this away. Damn all of this.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 16:21:21 GMT

Ok, so it seems as though things are sliding backwards. Today, I woke up feeling a little depressed. But, more to the point, I feel lonely. Really, really lonely. Lonely to a point that my heart hurts. God, I hate this! And, I feel somewhat desperate. I don't know what I'm desperate for...just desperate. I have a thought in my head that won't go away. I don't really think I'm ready to talk about what it is, but it just won't go away. It's been with me for a couple of weeks, but it's growing worse and worse. Just someone that I can't get out of my brain. Someone that is always there. The weirdest part about it is that I don't know this person. I have seen them a few places. Every now and then. We sort of run with the same circles. But, I've never even been formally introduced. But, I just keep thinking about them. This is bad news for me.

I have a tendancy to do this somewhat often. I build someone or something up in my head, with no basis what so ever. I don't know if this is a good person or not. I know nothing about them. I really don't. It's weird. But, what happens is this: I build them up and then, when I actually meet them and get to know them, it's a total let down. They are never the people that my brain made them up to be. I do it with friends, romantic interests, and I also do it with situations. I'll think, "Oh, we're going to this place and this neat thing is going to happen and I'm going to meet this many people and it's going to be the best...etc., etc." And then, it never happens the way my mind told me it was going to. And it crushes me. Oh well, I'll live. And, I'm sure that after a few days, this person will slowly fade from my brain. I talked, just briefly, about this to my psychiatrist. And I'll mention it to my therapist on Thursday. It's something that I have to stop because it often "crushes" me. And then I have to try and "drag" myself out of some unwarranted depression.

But, I suppose that with bipolar disorder, there is no warranted depression. I guess I don't ever really have a reason. I wish I did. People will say, "Why are you crying?" or "Why are you anxious?" And I always tell them that is the beauty of mental disorders...there is no reason. Sometimes I can tell you, but most of the time, I have no idea. How did I ever get this lucky? I say that with all the sarcasm I can muster...

Monday, December 12, 2005

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:30:30 GMT

Well, things just seem to have went to bad to worse to much better over the weekend. I don't know if excessive mood swings are a part of the side effects of the meds or what. Friday I talked to my mom and I was so optimistic. I wasn't going to let this beat me or define me. I wasn't going to let it get me down. I was going to learn and grow and get better. Then, by the time I got home from work on Friday evening, I was completely and totally a wreck. As soon as I walked in the door, I burst into tears. My roomates are awesome and they were there for me. They sat with me until I was ok again.

I woke up Saturday and I didn't want to get out of bed. But, there were around a million people at my house and I knew that, if I didn't get up, someone would come in there and get me. I just wanted to be by myself. All day, I just laid on the living room floor wishing that I could crawl into my bed and be around no one. But, I knew they would give me shit about it. So, I just laid there. They wanted me to go out with them that night and I kept saying no and they kept begging me. Then, around 8:00 that evening, I decided to get in the shower. See if it made me feel better. As soon as I got in, one of my roomates decided to get into her shower. It made the water go cold and I flipped out. I jumped out of the shower, without washing my hair or my body, and just jumped into bed. They took turns coming in and out of my room for about 2 hours or so, trying to get me out of bed and back in the shower. Mel was finally able to get me to go. I got back in the shower and I just stood in there and cried and cried. I was so sad because I don't want to be this girl. I don't want to be the girl that people have to carry around on their backs all the damn time. I knew that they best thing would be for me to get out of the house for a while...but I just didn't have the will to do it.

I called Mom after getting out of the shower and I talked to her for quite a while. I cried some more. She wonders if I might need to go to a hospital for a while. I told her no. I can't do that. I would lose my job and my apartment and my car. I just can't do that. I can't let this illness disturb my life that much. Then she asked if I needed to take a "mini" vacation and go stay with my Aunt Lisa for a while. I, again, told her no. I can't do that. I can't run from myself. No matter where I go, I'll always be there, so there is no point. I might as well stay here. I have a really great "safety net" of people here. They know what is happening and they are trying to help me the best they know how.

But, then, yesterday was wonderful. I had not one mood swing or panic attack all day long. And, it was my baby girl's (Lily, my dog) birthday. She turned 4 years old! The roomates and I kicked it into gear and cleaned up the dining room. From all of the people moving in and out in the last 6 months, we had quite a collection of boxes. So, we got that cleaned up and then we put up two Christmas trees and all of our Christmas decorations. When I woke up this morning, it felt great to walk into a clean living room. My bedroom and bathroom are another story...but, I'm taking that one step at a time.

Today, I'm ok. I've been better. But, I'm not depressed or feeling in the least bit manic. Actually, I'm not feeling much of anything today. I feel a little bit numb. I know that I can't wait to get home from work tonight. And, I'm feeling a tiny bit anxious. But, other than that, I'm just here. Weird!

I see my new therapist (Alice) on Thursday. I'm really excited about it. I think the talk therapy is going to help me deal with some things that need to be dealt with. And, hopefully, she'll be able to better help me understand this disease that I am dealing with.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 20:14:51 GMT

Last week I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. When I think back on my life, this makes sense. I am accustomed to depression and anxiety. I am used to taking a pill everyday to make myself feel "normal." If you can ever call me normal. But, with getting diagnosed with this, there is such finality to it all. It will never go away. It will always be there. I will never be able to stop taking medication. I will wake up everday for the rest of my life and have to take a pill or two or three or whatever combination is working for the time being. It really sucks.

I'm afraid about so many things. From what I understand (I don't know a whole lot about all of this, but I am researching and learning more everyday), these pills will regulate my moods and they will help me, but they can never fully block the disease. Nothing you do can ever make your brain disappear. I've been running from myself for so long and now I realize that I can't hide from this. It is real and I can't deny it anymore. And that scares me. It scares me that, from this point forward, everyone that I love, everyone that I am involved with (friends, family, romantic interests) will have to know. They will have to know what to expect. They will have to know that, sometimes, I can't control my emotions. That sometimes I bounce off the walls and I go crazy and I talk to much and I can't concentrate or sleep. I will always have to explain that sometimes my heart hurts so much I can't get out of bed and I don't know why. I have to explain that sometimes I think I can fix the world and I make huge plans, that seem feesable to me, but will never follow through with them. They will have to understand that I have to take meds, at least three times a day, and that I can't skip them no matter what the occasion.

I am scared because, at 23 years old, all I want in life is to be normal. I want normal ups and downs, not the kind that I have. I know that people get sad sometimes, but they are still able to get themselves out of bed and go about their lives. I hate (and have always hated) that I have to find one person that I work with, that I feel I can trust, and sit them down and tell them what is going on with me. Just so I have someone on my side when things go too bad to function. Because it happens. Even when it was just depression it happened.

I want to learn about what is happening to me. I want to be knowledgeable enough to be able to know when it's going to happen or what might trigger it. I want to be knowledgeable enough that when someone learns about it and looks at me like I'm crazy, I can explain that I'm not crazy...just a little broken. I want to meet other people like me and I want to learn from them. And, once I'm in a position to do so, I want to be able to help others to cope with their disease. I know this won't kill me, but I have a feeling that it's not one of those things that won't make me stronger. So....we'll see how it goes.